I have not posted in a while, and you may have wondered why. It seems I’m suffering from an episode of “Old Guy Disease.” Old Guy Disease” or “OGD” is one of those things that flares up periodically shutting you down. Hopefully one manages to work through the episode sometime with the help of doctors, physical therapy or just with pure grit. However, ODG never goes away. It only goes into remission until the next occurrence of OGD slaps you down again. Eventually, however, cumulative episodes of Old Guy Disease can develop into a full blown case of “Get off my Lawn Disease”. That’s when our neighbors begin describing us as the grouchy old man next door.
As for my Old Guy Episode, I was minding my own business. I did not fall. I did not pick up something heavy. I certainly did not get a kitten. I did nothing to deserve my OGD unless it was 80 years of exposure to gravity. On September 6th I got a pain in my left leg. It was uncomfortable but no big deal. It started, as Forrest Gump would say, in the buttocks and migrated to the inter thigh. It did not stay that way, unfortunately. Day by day, the pain, and electric like shock, migrated further and further down the leg. And the intensity of the pain increased, until, by the 26th of September, I was in a wheelchair. On the scale of 1 to 10, my degree of pain was an eleven. There was no relief—no position gave me any relief. Sleep was out of the question.
The problem was not, and is not, in my legs, but in my back! An MRI on October 13 disclosed that nerve roots in the spine (L3/4 and L4/5) were being compressed. The brain was interpreting the signals (screams) from the smashed nerves as pain in the legs. That pain was compounded by leg muscles tightening into nots in response to more brain messages telling the muscles that they needed to step up and protect the legs
I had an epidural on October 4th and started physical therapy on October 11th. These have made a difference, but the OGD episode is not over! The pain is less but still there. Each therapy session seems be a step toward healing. And I plan another epidural soon. Surgery appears out of the question—too big, and too dangerous and, if I did survive, recovery would be too difficult. Hopefully with medication, physical therapy, and epidurals I can make it to remission and avoid full blown “Stay Out of my Lawn” condition.
I’m not the only one with OGD. I recently heard that D. C. Altenbern suffered an OGD episode that put him in the hospital for several days. The way I heard it, it all started with a new cat—a kitten. That, in and of itself, is enough to bring on an OGD flare up. People over a certain age should never get a kitten or a puppy—never, never, never. Grand-Kittens and grand-puppy are allowed as long as the visit is a short one. At any rate, back to the story; the kitten gets lose from its cage in the middle of the night. Altenbern reliving his youth gives chase. He trips over the rug he had forgotten about. Forgetting is another Old Guy Disease symptom. [Author’s note: The rug was rolled up to prevent the kitten from thinking it was just the place to relieve itself.]
The trip on the rug sent Altenbern flying. Unfortunately, as he sailed through the air like the man on the flying trapeze the banister to the stairs was in his flight path. He landed headfirst nearly taking out the newel post—lights out (Luckily, he was wearing pajamas)! When he eventually came around regaining consciousness (blood everywhere from his head wound) he did what every married man throughout the ages has done in such situations—He yelled for his wife! And of course, as always, she took care of everything. I understand he is back home, recovered from his concussion. The house has been repaired, and hopefully the Altenberns have given the kitten away (but probably not).